Its been a long while since I came here.
Since then, I have successfully stepped down from main committee with an overwhelming group of supporters.
I have finished my three study in Temasek Polytechnic and graduated.
I have found a guy who loves me more than I love him.
But, I'm sad.
I have been not sleeping well and dreading days.
I have been rejected from all three local universities, because my GPA is 3.54.
I have been scammed a total of 3.9k.
I'm trying to start all over but it's harder than I thought.
I guess noone really understands how I feel but I do receive triggers everyday, even something as simple as hearing a china accent or the word "shanghai".
It happened on 31st May.
Still remembered how he shouted at me, threatened me, and how he even asked if I had any money leftover during the money laundering "check", which I foolishly replied yes.
On that fateful day, I lost everything financially. It was heart-wrenching to see 3.6k reduced to 23 dollars. The next day, the day I realized I got scammed, I was slamming the table and crying, and my heart just kept hurting. No amount of tears could silence that pain and I was alone.
I walked to the police station and I was crying all the way. I didn't care who looked at me.
I was sobbing throughout the one hour ordeal, recounting facts and trying to calm myself down.
That was the worst day of my life.
Up till now, the thought of it reduces me to tears.
I have not gotten over it.
Everyday without fail, I will get reminded of it somehow but I have learnt to control myself better. Sure, those triggers do happen but I do not cry as long anymore.
I work hard now to repay my sister, and I even earned enough to pay for my graduation trip alone.
But, things dont always go my way.
Being rejected from universities is a stab in the heart and I have been rejected thrice. So, its three stabs in the heart.
Looking up gap year programmes are stressful too because I do not know when exactly will my university appeal results be out so I couldn't apply.
If I do not get into a university this year, where do I start going?
I have been living in uncertainty since 21 February.
It's been four months and i have not found my answer.
Private universities are out of the question because I have no money now and applications are closed. And because I refuse to settle for a sub-par degree.
So now, its local university or gap year.
But, in order to choose gap year like YFA, social work assistant etc, I need to know if I'm really rejected. Which I will only know a month later.
I feel so stuck and it feels like nobody knows how I feel?
Everyone asks me to have faith and I feel so angry because this ain't your life. I have no faith and confidence in myself and I need to be realistic.
The more I type, the more I feel like crying.
Or rather, cry more.
I shall leave it like this.
(only reason I typed this was because I needed to tell someone this, so yeap to my nonexistent viewers, this post is to you. And because, I post rarely and everytime I look back, those troubles felt so insignificant and small and stupid. I hope this post will be that. When I opened this blog a year later, I hope to smile and laugh at my old self, and how I have grown since then)
Friday, June 10, 2016
Thursday, October 23, 2014
You disappoint me.
Today, I cried.
I cannot take it anymore.
It's like I have nothing to find fault with but yet I can pinpoint so many instances where i felt so upset. I feel so small, so worthless in this "family" and this is not how it's supposed to be.
The way you phrase those words, you don't know how much you hurt me. I'm someone who take my work seriously and I do deliver results. But, you said it as if I don't put in any effort.
The fact that I got this post because I'm a female is already depressing enough so why do you wanna rub salt in my wounds.
You keep hurting me again and again and you think that I will always forgive you. Well, you're right. I will. I will let you hurt me over and over again and I cannot stop myself. I want to hate you so badly but I can't. I cannot bring myself to hate you. I always subject myself to sadness and self-blame instead of channeling those emotions into anger.
Those words are so clear that I can hear them in the back of my head still. I still feel that pain when I read "xx is a better treasurer than you are." That 8 words is enough to condemn me to nights of self-hate which I blame myself for not stepping up. I tried.But no matter how I try, the barrier is already there. It feels like I'm trying to jump past this wall to the other side but I couldn't. I'm just watching others jump past it smoothly, taking what's mine.
I feel so desperate, desperate for a chance to shine.
I need to show that I am the diamond among the unpolished ones, I need to show the world that I am not weak. Or rather, myself. I need people to trust me.
Most importantly, I need your trust.
Why can you trust him but not me?
Why can't you do the same for me?
Why troy why?
//This freshman orientation better work. It's already bad being the head of a department nobody wants and it does not get better with people telling me I can "revamp" it. But, the people have been very encouraging and it's heartening to know they have such faith in me. I can only try and pray everything goes smoothly. If it doesn't, I just know that my one year in main comm will be the biggest regret of my life because it has caused me lots of pain so far and I have not recovered from that blow.
god please place your faith and trust in me and make me trust myself too. Make me strong enough to do this. I cannot lose. I cannot afford to lose my pride. There's nothing left of me if my pride is taken away. Let me protect and fight for what's mine. Let me win. I need to win.
// Today, I realized that I have friends who reply 2 messages and they expect me to be alright again. Thank you to the one that never gave up. Thank you so much, you are the best.
I love you so much and I don't know what will I ever do without your constant support the past two years.
I cannot take it anymore.
It's like I have nothing to find fault with but yet I can pinpoint so many instances where i felt so upset. I feel so small, so worthless in this "family" and this is not how it's supposed to be.
The way you phrase those words, you don't know how much you hurt me. I'm someone who take my work seriously and I do deliver results. But, you said it as if I don't put in any effort.
The fact that I got this post because I'm a female is already depressing enough so why do you wanna rub salt in my wounds.
You keep hurting me again and again and you think that I will always forgive you. Well, you're right. I will. I will let you hurt me over and over again and I cannot stop myself. I want to hate you so badly but I can't. I cannot bring myself to hate you. I always subject myself to sadness and self-blame instead of channeling those emotions into anger.
Those words are so clear that I can hear them in the back of my head still. I still feel that pain when I read "xx is a better treasurer than you are." That 8 words is enough to condemn me to nights of self-hate which I blame myself for not stepping up. I tried.But no matter how I try, the barrier is already there. It feels like I'm trying to jump past this wall to the other side but I couldn't. I'm just watching others jump past it smoothly, taking what's mine.
I feel so desperate, desperate for a chance to shine.
I need to show that I am the diamond among the unpolished ones, I need to show the world that I am not weak. Or rather, myself. I need people to trust me.
Most importantly, I need your trust.
Why can you trust him but not me?
Why can't you do the same for me?
Why troy why?
//This freshman orientation better work. It's already bad being the head of a department nobody wants and it does not get better with people telling me I can "revamp" it. But, the people have been very encouraging and it's heartening to know they have such faith in me. I can only try and pray everything goes smoothly. If it doesn't, I just know that my one year in main comm will be the biggest regret of my life because it has caused me lots of pain so far and I have not recovered from that blow.
god please place your faith and trust in me and make me trust myself too. Make me strong enough to do this. I cannot lose. I cannot afford to lose my pride. There's nothing left of me if my pride is taken away. Let me protect and fight for what's mine. Let me win. I need to win.
// Today, I realized that I have friends who reply 2 messages and they expect me to be alright again. Thank you to the one that never gave up. Thank you so much, you are the best.
I love you so much and I don't know what will I ever do without your constant support the past two years.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Blood and tears
hello. Recently, life sucks. There's nothing major happening right now except preparing for my Cambodia trip on the 9th and going for DnD meetings.
Had PCO camp last week and overall, it was a success. The programme flow, activities, everything was brilliant. We finished the mc debrief in thirty minutes, something sharon and troy said never happened.
Went for a nightwalk at design and slept for 2 hrs before proceeding to mass games wet games final clash break camp.
I think this PCO camp has made me braver? In a way. Also, it made me more popular because people knew I was the camp commandant of the camp plus all of them loved the camp.
Things were going well. But, a few days ago. We were made to submit our preferences to troy for FO. I didn't know what I want. I really didn't. I just know that FA is the supposedly fun one while the rest sucks.
How am I going to choose?? I hate prog but prog seemed like a better choice then foodmin or log. I will not forgive myself if I put foodmin or log as second choice and got it. Thus, I put FA then prog.
But prog is really not my forte. I cannot tape props for nuts. I hate brainstorming and creating games. I hate it.
Now I just feel so nervous and jittery at the thought of FO. Either way, all posts suck. There are pros and cons in each post and idk if I'm willing to sacrifice for this FO.
Also, dickson has been really fucking annoying with all those bullshit of ATT being annoying. I guess he finds it annoying because the limelight isn't on him???
Fuck him and his self righteous beliefs that he's good and correct. He isn't. He can be wrong. People shouldn't support him because he's handsome. He isn't even that funny. I hope someone crushes his self esteem, crushing it so badly that he can never held his head high.
People like him need a wakeup call that they don't call the shots. That's what a hierarchy is for so you better get your fucking ass down.
Had PCO camp last week and overall, it was a success. The programme flow, activities, everything was brilliant. We finished the mc debrief in thirty minutes, something sharon and troy said never happened.
Went for a nightwalk at design and slept for 2 hrs before proceeding to mass games wet games final clash break camp.
I think this PCO camp has made me braver? In a way. Also, it made me more popular because people knew I was the camp commandant of the camp plus all of them loved the camp.
Things were going well. But, a few days ago. We were made to submit our preferences to troy for FO. I didn't know what I want. I really didn't. I just know that FA is the supposedly fun one while the rest sucks.
How am I going to choose?? I hate prog but prog seemed like a better choice then foodmin or log. I will not forgive myself if I put foodmin or log as second choice and got it. Thus, I put FA then prog.
But prog is really not my forte. I cannot tape props for nuts. I hate brainstorming and creating games. I hate it.
Now I just feel so nervous and jittery at the thought of FO. Either way, all posts suck. There are pros and cons in each post and idk if I'm willing to sacrifice for this FO.
Also, dickson has been really fucking annoying with all those bullshit of ATT being annoying. I guess he finds it annoying because the limelight isn't on him???
Fuck him and his self righteous beliefs that he's good and correct. He isn't. He can be wrong. People shouldn't support him because he's handsome. He isn't even that funny. I hope someone crushes his self esteem, crushing it so badly that he can never held his head high.
People like him need a wakeup call that they don't call the shots. That's what a hierarchy is for so you better get your fucking ass down.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Drowning
you know that feeling you get when your heart just plummets down and then there's no way to stop that horrible feeling and you feel so scared, scared out of your wits and you cannot help but gasp and pray that nothing goes wrong.
yeap. thats just how I feel today.
the clubroom key was with me all along and being so fucking stupid, I thought it was with the others. Got a call from Celine from SAA where she expressed her anger on me then I realised the key has not been returned. Panicked like shit to only realise the key is with me 2mins later. Not that Im unhappy, I'm so glad I found the key thank god but it's with me???!!! fucking careless of me to leave the key like this. what is wrong with my memory.
Thank god the key is in my BAG and not in my pockets or whatwver if not I will really freak out and die. First thing I'm gonna do when I reach school tomorrow is to get rid of that key and pray that nothing like this will ever happen again. Such a scary feeling and it's even scarier than receiving your exam results because the fear of losing something is really terrible plus main comm life isn't exactly what I like.
Recently, I have beem really stressed abouy PCO camp sigh. Glen told me it's gonna be okay but I still have this fear within me and I cannot help but feel that I am not prepared for this. Usually, I'm always prepared and calm and collected but recently, I feel so out of place and nervous and worried. Maybe because this camp I feel uncomfortable working with main comm (ppl like troy) which made me more afraid to open myself and my ideas to others and I feel like I have to seek consent although its MY camp.
I don't like the feeling of letting people down so today feels utterly terrible, the 80 bux lamps and the SAA key sigh can I quit life right now and be artsy fartsy and paint and draw and listen to cool music and read books and chill.
Had a bad start today with me realising the triangular gardens is booked so we are unable to hold our dry run and me rushing to school to only realise glen was in school so he could actually go to SAA and book courts.
Life has been hard on me recently and I feel so tired rushing around making people happy, and not myself.
sigh I cannot wait for PCO camp to be over )-:
Also, A managed to make me happy today and I like iy wejn he gives me the wink HAHA but oh well, as usual, he stopped replying halfway and it makes me so sad and disappointed that he can tweet/instal but not reply me??? Plus he was the one that started it gosh. Am I not enough for you to stay? I know you think about your ex and stilll but am I not important?? or am I important to the extent of you thinking of me everyday but not fun enough to entertain you??? Can you please please please reply me. I'm even begging you to not leave this hanging.
going sch tomorrow to do props and then off to troy hse for dinner and then off to celebrate jacky bday.
may tomorrow be the opposite of today: Less fear, more laughter
Goodnight.
yeap. thats just how I feel today.
the clubroom key was with me all along and being so fucking stupid, I thought it was with the others. Got a call from Celine from SAA where she expressed her anger on me then I realised the key has not been returned. Panicked like shit to only realise the key is with me 2mins later. Not that Im unhappy, I'm so glad I found the key thank god but it's with me???!!! fucking careless of me to leave the key like this. what is wrong with my memory.
Thank god the key is in my BAG and not in my pockets or whatwver if not I will really freak out and die. First thing I'm gonna do when I reach school tomorrow is to get rid of that key and pray that nothing like this will ever happen again. Such a scary feeling and it's even scarier than receiving your exam results because the fear of losing something is really terrible plus main comm life isn't exactly what I like.
Recently, I have beem really stressed abouy PCO camp sigh. Glen told me it's gonna be okay but I still have this fear within me and I cannot help but feel that I am not prepared for this. Usually, I'm always prepared and calm and collected but recently, I feel so out of place and nervous and worried. Maybe because this camp I feel uncomfortable working with main comm (ppl like troy) which made me more afraid to open myself and my ideas to others and I feel like I have to seek consent although its MY camp.
I don't like the feeling of letting people down so today feels utterly terrible, the 80 bux lamps and the SAA key sigh can I quit life right now and be artsy fartsy and paint and draw and listen to cool music and read books and chill.
Had a bad start today with me realising the triangular gardens is booked so we are unable to hold our dry run and me rushing to school to only realise glen was in school so he could actually go to SAA and book courts.
Life has been hard on me recently and I feel so tired rushing around making people happy, and not myself.
sigh I cannot wait for PCO camp to be over )-:
Also, A managed to make me happy today and I like iy wejn he gives me the wink HAHA but oh well, as usual, he stopped replying halfway and it makes me so sad and disappointed that he can tweet/instal but not reply me??? Plus he was the one that started it gosh. Am I not enough for you to stay? I know you think about your ex and stilll but am I not important?? or am I important to the extent of you thinking of me everyday but not fun enough to entertain you??? Can you please please please reply me. I'm even begging you to not leave this hanging.
going sch tomorrow to do props and then off to troy hse for dinner and then off to celebrate jacky bday.
may tomorrow be the opposite of today: Less fear, more laughter
Goodnight.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Roses and Moon
Hi to the nonexistent readers out there, sorry for the hiatus as recently im so busy with tests assignments feelings and life. Thought it will be better once holidays start but im so drained already with only 6 days of holidays. Life pretty much revolves around going to school to prepare for PCO camp and oh, i got into the committee of dnd so yeap bye to my tues and wed nights (all spent on meetings and meetings)
Camp is coming on the 19th and im pretty much afraid?? First big event of my life which involves so many people and this camp affects my main comm life (seriously), one wrong move and my hopes of being an FA will be crushed. So yeah, my life is now hanging on a fine thread and PCO camp is the best way to prove myself to everyone.
Recently, I've been talking to A and it makes me very happy somehow?? We went out twice, once for coffee and once to school and it's been pretty enjoyable and he called me up twice too and we talk pretty much everyday. But, one thing is, he replies very slow, I'm serious, like those 1-2hr break and our convo dont even last for thirty mins wth. Today, he didnt even reply me but he can tweet/insta.
Why? Am I not good enough for you to talk to me? If that is really so, why did you even start texting me and i rather we skype because that's the only time we talk, like really talk.
Another day of bitterness. Another day of disappointment. Another day of sadness.
Goodnight.
Camp is coming on the 19th and im pretty much afraid?? First big event of my life which involves so many people and this camp affects my main comm life (seriously), one wrong move and my hopes of being an FA will be crushed. So yeah, my life is now hanging on a fine thread and PCO camp is the best way to prove myself to everyone.
Recently, I've been talking to A and it makes me very happy somehow?? We went out twice, once for coffee and once to school and it's been pretty enjoyable and he called me up twice too and we talk pretty much everyday. But, one thing is, he replies very slow, I'm serious, like those 1-2hr break and our convo dont even last for thirty mins wth. Today, he didnt even reply me but he can tweet/insta.
Why? Am I not good enough for you to talk to me? If that is really so, why did you even start texting me and i rather we skype because that's the only time we talk, like really talk.
Another day of bitterness. Another day of disappointment. Another day of sadness.
Goodnight.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Forgiven
Talked to Aaron today and I cried.
He finally said sorry and all these feelings I have been hiding, like the guilt in me when I talked about him came rushing back and tears just started rolling down. I just love all of you so much <3
Hyurak can never be replaced and thank you for the wonderful talk today Aaron on what to do and I will try my best to make you proud. I'm so glad that you have a lot of respect for me (':
You and Zoe will be my favourite seniors forever and thank you for loving and protecting me
I love the two of you
He finally said sorry and all these feelings I have been hiding, like the guilt in me when I talked about him came rushing back and tears just started rolling down. I just love all of you so much <3
Hyurak can never be replaced and thank you for the wonderful talk today Aaron on what to do and I will try my best to make you proud. I'm so glad that you have a lot of respect for me (':
You and Zoe will be my favourite seniors forever and thank you for loving and protecting me
I love the two of you
Friday, July 4, 2014
A broken jar
-4/7/2014-
I cried today. ok it's more of tear. because I felt so bad. I felt so guilty. I feel like I didnt do my part as a friend. I felt like I betrayed them by bringing up hyurak past and I felt so bad for saying out how I feel because I still love nicole and Aaron no matter what. I feel like if I have to choose again, I will still choose this path. I feel so bad as a main comm member by revealing huimin and zoe out and I want to defend them but I know that I cannot take sides. That guilt I felt then was so overwhelming that I wanted to scold myself for letting things out. I know I didn't do anything bad by saying it out but I feel so bad.
I only felt better after their reassurance and in the end I was upset I ended getting none of them. They weren't even under me. They were under people they dont even know. It's not a good thing but it's the best and I know that through this I just have to still let them know I'm here for them.
This internal struggle feels like me giving up on them and I feel so torn omg.
talked to junice today and now I understand her reason for going to HSS. I really feel that she's a good gl because she has such good intentions and people like me shouldn't even deserve to be here in main comm. I feel like I'm the worst. I need to be better and step up.
but honestly, if i have to choose again, I will choose Hyurak no matter what. it made me realised how much I can take and I really felt loved and protected. even though it wasn't the best in the end, I love each and every of them with all of my heart and I really really love them. I understand their intentions but I feel like I still need to tell someone everything and cry it all out.
Main comm is really challenging for me and I just feel so sad. I feel like I cannot talk to anybody about this. dylan? shiri? I cant possibly talk to Aaron fuck and I love them so much. corn?? but that's fucking weird.
my heart feels torn. maybe I should stop typing and sleep the whole way home. yes I should. its alot to take in for a day.
goodnight
-today-
felt so much better after crying yesterday but that guilt is still there and i swear i will make it up to you Aaron not matter what because without you, I'm nothing.
don't worry about me anymore
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