Sunday, September 15, 2013


Hi. I guess this is the only place I can really vent out my frustrations. I just need to rant to someone (preferably wy) but that boy is to busy to listen to me complain about goddamn band again. Nobody's really free to listen to me because they have work/school/friends/life and it's always the same thing that makes me so unhappy: band. I said this to my friends so many times that I stopped believing that I can really do it. It's lost its meaning. I can NEVER quit band. I can't bring myself to. I just can't.

Every single time i complained about band, everyone just tell me to quit and I will go 'yes of course! Never am I gonna do that shit again, never am I doing that to myself again!!!!' But, I stayed on. After Anderson Military Band, I had enough. I had enough of being called a bimbo. I had enough of being under-appreciated. I had enough of telling myself that I can't be head QM because they told me I'm not good enough. I had enough of them ordering me what to do. I had enough of teachers thinking that I'm just a bimbo who can't do anything right without asking people to help. The only thing I can do is to persuade  people to help me get things done and act like a bitch to people who don't side by me. I'm so disgusted with myself acting like this that I really wanted to quit band and start life anew. It's like an addiction; once you're in, don't ever think of getting out. Then, project comm 2013.

 I didn't even want to join leband, I really wanted to stick to the promise I made to myself but I caved in again the moment  I received a message from Shu Hui. I agreed without thinking much and now I'm here being where I thought I will be: angry/sad/frustrated/disappointed/under-appreciated. I was made librarian and god knows what they were thinking when they put me as librarian. I love logistics. I love every single part of it. I love running around, contacting people/vendors, arranging stage, all of it. Then, you put me in library because apparently, you all ASSUMED that I was a librarian. Since when was I a librarian? I've been in QM for three years and you all forgot that? Am I that insignificant? Not only that, you all said I look like a librarian so you put me there? Is that how you assign jobs? Based on the way we look? I still remembered you saying that 'assumption is the lowest level of intelligence'. You got that right, so why did you assumed I was a librarian????? Why aren't any of you making sense. All of you are just contradicting yourselves and all of your mistakes are hurting me.

Yesterday, I got a crude reply from you because I had to get help from you to print scores. Yes, it's my fault for not being professional Mr Lim. Yes, it's my fault for not getting you the oboe parts, Seow Hui. Yes, you were totally right in saying that I fucking sat there while logistics (WeiHan) helped me to find the scores. Yes, all my fault. Sorry I can't predict that Mr Lim needs oboe parts, sorry I'm not good enough. Sorry Shu Hui, I  was working full shift so I can't give you the duration of songs.

I cried halfway while typing this and I realised there's no point of typing it all out because I still have to do it. I still have to do all this cause you're my senior. But there's only so much I can take. I have to stop telling myself to get my shit together and go one because it's really your fault. Why do I have to bear all this pain and hurt from your actions. I really hate being alone. But you, Mr Lim, you separated me from the section. Isn't that akin to separating me? Why must bass clarinetists sit away from their section? I only started opening up to Ping Ru last Saturday. Who likes to feel lonely? I had to endure three hours of scores-reading practice after practice. I didn't even had anyone to talk to. Just because I play a different instrument, you all treat me like this? Do you dislike me so much that you keep humiliating me in front of so many people?

I need to quit band. That's my goal for now. It's either I quit or I get respect from each and every one of you.

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