Friday, May 23, 2014

i don't know what i want

I joined main comm lol.
All those late night talks of telling myself i shouldnt and now, i've already submitted the form, campaigned, gave my speech and results will be out on mon.

So afraid that i won't get in but I'm afraid of committing too. I know it's gonna be super hard either way and i thought of backing out halfway so many times but i can't. I will hate myself even more. If i don't get in, i probably cannot take it and im so scared history will repeat itself (not getting a top post in band) and i really want to get in now. I cannot lose out now. I cannot. Pls let me get in and i will show everyone what i will do just to serve the school. Let me get in please

Monday, May 12, 2014



really thank god for times like these. Was still pondering over today main com stuff. I didnt tell anyone about it because i dont want to seem like i want it. In fact, i want it. I really do. And i'm ashamed to tell people i want to be part of HSS main comm. I say i dont like to work with the people. Frankly, i dont think thats the real problem. I dont allow myself this because i dont have good intentions. This doesnt mean i will go around killing people LOL it just means i went against my principles. It means i joined main comm not because of the people like to serve them but rather, just for the title.

I dont like staying back in school. I dont like putting in so much effort. I only want the popularity. I just want to be part of it and be special and be exclusive. Thus, im really thankful somehow i stopped myself for going for it. I know that even if i go, it will be one hell of an experience and there will be a lot of memories and friendships formed.

ugh fuck this im still confused.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

I'm alone

Wednesday was a really good day because I was grouped together with shiri and ella for TNS and I had a talk with nic and finally everything is cleared. She finally said a sincere sorry and not saying sorry just because she's 'told to'. She apologised for defaming me and talking about me behind my back. Then I reached home for a nice dinner and bird nest as dessert.
I was also preparing for triathlon which happens on thursday and I wanted to get my towel from the drawer.

Then, I accidentally slammed my toe against the metal bed frame. It's the super strong kind and immediately I felt pain. I thought the pain will lessen after awhile but it didnt? There was like a dull ache but I kinda ignore it and just ice and then put some bruise cream. I already have a feeling I cracked my toe but I just try to block that info out. Then I went to sleep.

 I really cannot walk. Every step hurts and I feel so useless and upset because im really looking forward to trials and now, gone. Thankfully aaron said it's ok but then today I had to visit the doc alone??? Nobody even fucking bother to like really ask if im ok (except shiri). Ella was being bitchy as usual and like it didnt even sound sincere?? And atiqah just brush it off. Good job guys!!!!!!!! So nice of you to just ignore me. Zoe ignored me too yay. Zhiyi also (most probably sch work).

Then as if I didnt feel bad enough, after visiting the gp, mum called to scold me saying im wasting my time and I didnt call to ask and made decisions on my own. Yeah fuck you all yesterday when I wanted to visit doc and I was obviously in pain but you all dismiss it as nothing then when I try to do smth about it, you criticise the way I do it and wow why didn't you even call to ask how am I and yesterday you still ask me to go to school when I obviously cant even really walk?? Why are you all like this to me wtf

Yeah as if I wanted this. You all dont even know I wanted to join triathlon and you all just keep saying im clumsy. Yeah Yeah I wanted this to happen to me. It's my fault but don't you think im upset too?

At polyclinic now and I just want to get this over and done with. Thank god for painkilles, now I feel so much better and I realised I need to be strong and stop being whiny or wimpy.

P/s a thank you to the aunty on the bus just now who taught me how to go polyclinic even tho I still got lost. Thank you for caring about me compared to my mum who's screaming her head off because I visited the gp. And yeah I always spend your money thanks for hurting my feelings mum

And today, i got asked to join main comm AGAIN. I think i sitll wont accept it even tho a part of me really wants it because i dont want to worry and i know that that's just a short-term happiness.