Today, I cried.
I cannot take it anymore.
It's like I have nothing to find fault with but yet I can pinpoint so many instances where i felt so upset. I feel so small, so worthless in this "family" and this is not how it's supposed to be.
The way you phrase those words, you don't know how much you hurt me. I'm someone who take my work seriously and I do deliver results. But, you said it as if I don't put in any effort.
The fact that I got this post because I'm a female is already depressing enough so why do you wanna rub salt in my wounds.
You keep hurting me again and again and you think that I will always forgive you. Well, you're right. I will. I will let you hurt me over and over again and I cannot stop myself. I want to hate you so badly but I can't. I cannot bring myself to hate you. I always subject myself to sadness and self-blame instead of channeling those emotions into anger.
Those words are so clear that I can hear them in the back of my head still. I still feel that pain when I read "xx is a better treasurer than you are." That 8 words is enough to condemn me to nights of self-hate which I blame myself for not stepping up. I tried.But no matter how I try, the barrier is already there. It feels like I'm trying to jump past this wall to the other side but I couldn't. I'm just watching others jump past it smoothly, taking what's mine.
I feel so desperate, desperate for a chance to shine.
I need to show that I am the diamond among the unpolished ones, I need to show the world that I am not weak. Or rather, myself. I need people to trust me.
Most importantly, I need your trust.
Why can you trust him but not me?
Why can't you do the same for me?
Why troy why?
//This freshman orientation better work. It's already bad being the head of a department nobody wants and it does not get better with people telling me I can "revamp" it. But, the people have been very encouraging and it's heartening to know they have such faith in me. I can only try and pray everything goes smoothly. If it doesn't, I just know that my one year in main comm will be the biggest regret of my life because it has caused me lots of pain so far and I have not recovered from that blow.
god please place your faith and trust in me and make me trust myself too. Make me strong enough to do this. I cannot lose. I cannot afford to lose my pride. There's nothing left of me if my pride is taken away. Let me protect and fight for what's mine. Let me win. I need to win.
// Today, I realized that I have friends who reply 2 messages and they expect me to be alright again. Thank you to the one that never gave up. Thank you so much, you are the best.
I love you so much and I don't know what will I ever do without your constant support the past two years.