Friday, June 10, 2016


Its been a long while since I came here.

Since then, I have successfully stepped down from main committee with an overwhelming group of supporters.

I have finished my three study in Temasek Polytechnic and graduated.

I have found a guy who loves me more than I love him.

But, I'm sad.

I have been not sleeping well and dreading days.

I have been rejected from all three local universities, because my GPA is 3.54.

I have been scammed a total of 3.9k.

I'm trying to start all over but it's harder than I thought.

I guess noone really understands how I feel but I do receive triggers everyday, even something as simple as hearing a china accent or the word "shanghai".

It happened on 31st May.

Still remembered how he shouted at me, threatened me, and how he even asked if I had any money leftover during the money laundering "check", which I foolishly replied yes.

On that fateful day, I lost everything financially. It was heart-wrenching to see 3.6k reduced to 23 dollars. The next day, the day I realized I got scammed, I was slamming the table and crying, and my heart just kept hurting. No amount of tears could silence that pain and I was alone.

I walked to the police station and I was crying all the way. I didn't care who looked at me.

I was sobbing throughout the one hour ordeal, recounting facts and trying to calm myself down.

That was the worst day of my life.

Up till now, the thought of it reduces me to tears.

I have not gotten over it.

Everyday without fail, I will get reminded of it somehow but I have learnt to control myself better. Sure, those triggers do happen but I do not cry as long anymore.

I work hard now to repay my sister, and I even earned enough to pay for my graduation trip alone.

But, things dont always go my way.

Being rejected from universities is a stab in the heart and I have been rejected thrice. So, its three stabs in the heart.

Looking up gap year programmes are stressful too because I do not know when exactly will my university appeal results be out so I couldn't apply.

If I do not get into a university this year, where do I start going?

I have been living in uncertainty since 21 February.

It's been four months and i have not found my answer.

Private universities are out of the question because I have no money now and applications are closed. And because I refuse to settle for a sub-par degree.

So now, its local university or gap year.

But, in order to choose gap year like YFA, social work assistant etc, I need to know if I'm really rejected. Which I will only know a month later.

I feel so stuck and it feels like nobody knows how I feel?

Everyone asks me to have faith and I feel so angry because this ain't your life. I have no faith and confidence in myself and I need to be realistic.

The more I type, the more I feel like crying.

Or rather, cry more.

I shall leave it like this.

(only reason I typed this was because I needed to tell someone this, so yeap to my nonexistent viewers, this post is to you. And because, I post rarely and everytime I look back, those troubles felt so insignificant and small and stupid. I hope this post will be that. When I opened this blog a year later, I hope to smile and laugh at my old self, and how I have grown since then)

No comments:

Post a Comment